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why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.