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It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.