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It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.