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This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?
One of my female friend is reading a book called "Learn to drive in a week" for the last 3 years.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
I put the PRO in inappropriate!
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"