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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`