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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
October is breast awareness month for women, men are usually aware of breasts all year round.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
You should NEVER say and I mean NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.. :|
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.