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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
It was all so different before everything changed.
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.