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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
Bacon...need I say more
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.