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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.