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I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
I look so young for my rage.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.