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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.