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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.