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I just noticed me saying "LOL" everytime I`m laughing = facebook addict...lmao :)
The covers of this book are too far apart.
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
I’d slap you but I’m pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.