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real eyes realize real lies
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.