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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
My life is just one long improvisation.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.