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I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.