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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
That moment when being uncool, is cool
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.