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Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone