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I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red