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Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
Copy this and paste it in your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone.. If you don´t know anyone, or even if you´ve heard of someone who doesn´t know anyone, then do still copy this. It´s important to spread the message. Oh and the hearts ? ? ? ? For crap´s sake, don´t forget the hearts! ? ? ? ?
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.