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I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.