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I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.