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when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.