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Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!