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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
I`m never free but I`m available.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*