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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.
Today`s subliminal thought is: …