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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
pumpkin for sale, slightly used
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.