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The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.