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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
How does one get a nice body without moving?
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?