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Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
To hell with the "dislike" button! i think we need a "who cares" button, a "WTF" button and a "STFU!" button. just saying.... Oh and a "lol" button because i just get tired of writing it! lol!
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.