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The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
As I was signing into my email account instead of yahoo.com I typed hayoo.com...nope, it wasn`t right but I got to thinking it would be quite appropriate, afterall, we`re trying to get someone`s attention, right?
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
I woke up praying McDonald`s would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".