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Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Beauty is only a light switch away...
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...