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I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Does Holy Crap comes from Holy Cow.?
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them