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common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
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I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
It seems like the āLā in my luck has been replaced with an āFā.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.