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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Ok advertisers, for the last time. I’m playing a game I downloaded for free. So, the fact that you chose to advertise here means your product is grossly overpriced…
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.