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I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.