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I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
bitches want what they cant have..or thats what I keep telling myself
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
I never finish anyth...............
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.