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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
I`m not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD
Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.