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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
Had a blast doing my Black Friday tradition!!!! I slept!
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers