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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
I drink to make other people interesting.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.