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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.