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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.