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I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!