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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?