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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
I am sorry I wasn`t being completely honest when I said I was normal.
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.