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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.