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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.