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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)