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It’s ok if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.