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Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?