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Vodka is just amazing water.
I would like to remind everyone it`s not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Relationship Status: eating
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?