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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
Sometimes all you need is $100,000
that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”