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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session