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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.