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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."