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“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know